Saturday, December 29, 2012


















Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Love Poem.

A voice lies underneath,
She says “I cannot be with you.”

I ask “have you looked?”

She is soft, brown hair hides her dark eyes,

Her perfume lies trapped in those brown curls,

That play around her long neck,

She recalls “I wanted to know peace”

I reply “You have learned patience”

“I may have learned vigil perhaps” she walks closer to me,

My head looks up “It had silence”

Her long thin fingers now point to the window “The night wasn’t silent”, she whispers,

“Was it your heart talking? Your ears had no one,” the house is silent, my
Lips have no strength left,

She kisses me, sweet, “a night some months back, I spent building a nest”,

“It lasts forever,” I live one more breath to tell her;

“ Perfection must be a pause then, my love” her eyes smile,

“Love has to be born, it has also a sunset, not a pause,” I switch off the lights,

“What I feel is real”, she moves away,

“Desires are if life is”, I move towards the window,

“Freedom then should be just a play”, she closes her eyes, I see her in the moon light,

“Shadows don’t play, the light does and it knows nothing of freedom or otherwise”, I smell the air,

“It hurts”,

“It has a threshold”,

“Beauty then should be timeless”,

“ Yes, it fills me, this room and all those who are witnessing us now”,

She switches on the lights, “ It is golden in the morning, only then”,

“Look, the pole star”, I call her to the window,

As she moves, she smiles, “the past of lovers are like those stars”,

“When lovers are, the past ceases”, I hold her,

“You and I have played for time that seems endless”,

“Yes, endless”, I kiss her

Friday, August 31, 2012

I Spoke A Walk.

I spoke a walk one night
A corridor long, crumpled in a pattern divine,
In a hand of smile,
A small flower in a concrete heart, stood stiff and proud.

I spoke a walk,
Tripping as I came across her again in a afternoon light,
Sun flashing through her eyes,
Aching to hold her in the shades to fight,
To build a pattern, to live or to die.

I spoke a walk,
Breaking a pattern, a whim like gravity moving all,
I went up and down her entire face, her spine and all her gods,
A ray came in as a messenger,
Shame, shame called the purple audience, as if I had cared.

I spoke a walk,
I lifted a desire, no longer
Dark horses could harm,
It was harvest, all could see
And reap, she laughed after the moan, the linen still remained white,
And now I was right,
The linen never cared,
The pattern remained dismissed.

I spoke a walk,
Long nights and small days,
From the thought that went flying in fury,
It wanted no bridges now, as
She was now a cloud,
Far away shining bright.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Story-Telling.

It was a play
A distraction that I took
No notice of,
In a printing press my
Name was printed in letters
Small and big.
“What am I doing?” she asked
In all her eagerness, I replied,
“I go to play, as
I never like to work”.

Throwing her hands up, she
Sang “ Your name
Looks like a train name”,
“Does it”? I laughed, “I
Thought it looked like a theatre”
After a long silence, she asked,
“Aren’t you going to put me in your play?”
“I could never play, if you weren’t in it” I
Smiled,
The story now reached to a point,
It had to leap or be killed,
It was the intoxication of a man
Being man, the creature who could not live
Without story-telling, without the playing.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

It always took a kiss to know that it would be the only one that I would live for, the one that would change the materiality of my life, it would be the truth, it would be selfish, I would be free. The free is to not to feel anything other than the feel of being alive. 
Except life what exists is more than it is to feel alive. I felt, it was always there to be felt.
The Cold in me is the Life that throbs.

The Soul.


Wishes driven to wonder
Words drilled on paper
The  I remained  alone
The learning was
Written in rebirth
Of that which created a light
Where memories were  raised
In which a life become a life

The I could not be any
It had voice of none
The words  to it came in slow
They could make and build
To study and learn
For  days and for nights
One after another

Sustenance was the content
The content was the escalator to be built
To be integrated
The I identified it
Answered by a process
The process a devotion
To think and to choose what
And through it
The soul was then created.

Monday, July 30, 2012

End of a morning folded
An abandoned air in it's retreat
I moved now in half in-completion
Coming across like an unfinished life

I had always moved to un-finish
It was the kiss that leaned on
All my stanzas
That were now stuck in my brain 
A flower struggling to float
I thought to write a poem
On the night
And a window
So some day when she looked back in
I would still be there in a photograph
Coming across like an unfinished life




Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Actions of memory remain mystic. Verbalization is always challenged. I remain hence to myself, thinking through reasoning as to why the mind wanders in to memories where action stood still. The mind has to be stopped from being a market street. Not even allow it to be a museum of sorts. I have to focus and choose to use will for it. There are mountains outsides and there is a mind inside. I see all on the outside. I have to focus on the objects of the inside. I know you stay calm and go in to conflict at the same time.Then sometimes memory happens to walk ahead of me.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The mind seeking markets of the world,
In focus walking from them inside to outside,
Understanding markets belonged to nobody,
They themselves searching, rejecting all false,
Gradually resonating to a quality mind,
The self being aware of transient energy
Walks from markets to markets
On all days, all days then being
Working days, marketing days,
Both being vulnerable,
Both with a life force,
Somehow discovering it's existence.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

a child walks,
it falls,
gets up,
walks again,
laughing every time it gets up,
after a fall
in what it has,
in what he can have,
i still have been doing that,
taking life in its entire indulgence,
in all my good, in all my values.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Raat.


Rumani si raat,
Do labo pe ek baat.
Na shikan, na roshni, ek aahat nayi,
Tanhayi bhi rooth kar humse kahi chali gayi.
Hum bhi khaali se hai,
Ke aap se kabhi dil bharta hi nahi
Teri bachpan ko bhi aaj phir bulaa lete hai,
Narm si galiyo me do pahar guzaar lete hai
Rangeen tere pankho mein aasmaan chupi thi kahi,
Tere udaan me ye baya hua ki meri pehchaan chali gayi hai kahi
Chup chaap akeli,
Wo tu hi thi, aur teri saheli
Jaane kaha hogi wo ab,
Jaane kaha khadi hai tu ab
Afsoos tho hai, Par Gham nahi,
Aap khayalo mein, ye bhi tho kam nahi.
Raato ko akela ab soya bhi nahi jaata,
Aap ke khayalo mein khul ke roya bhi nahi jaata
Aap ka chahara jo apno mein apno sa hai,
Tanha hai, ki ye raat bhi sapno me sapno sa hai ..

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Setting your grave.


Are you done with your past?
Have you stored it some place safe out of reach?
Is your past done with you?
Now you can stick the stone marking the ground.


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Never spoken, ever since.


"The bridge is now burnt.

There is no way out from here. To there.

Or there is and I am stubborn to not see it. Seeing it could be burning the ashes, and nothing rises again from the ashes. The dead stay dead, or just look ahead. I can't believe anyone who tells me otherwise. 

Then maybe I am not even here, I am there but I have a bubble all around me. And I am unlikely to break it now till I start choking on my own airs. 

Or maybe its not even that anymore. I choked long time ago. And I remember hitting out to burst this film of air, invisible, all around knowing there is no barrier here anymore. And you are right by my side. Choking on your own air and fighting your own invisible demons. 

We are here, there is nowhere else to go, no matter where we go. There are no bridges to burn, just a thin line of reasoning we offer ourselves in respite when we watch the ashes on ground, just below those feet. The feet are empty, but can't feel a thing. But maybe the cushion of ashes is comforting. 

Have we heard the trumpets of war calling us? It would be a pity to drown a dagger and bleed. Bleed without a cause. Wars are never with people, wars are meant to be personal, destroying the demons that haunt the possessed streets. The streets where its a shame to walk clothed. But that is what the world has now come to be, a shameful cloak. Where is the uninhibited glory of sunlight?

I have given you years of my prime. Every minute of it. Hoping you would take a minute of your own to fit my shoes. But you were waiting for someone to bring you a shoe that is yours. Like it happens when one starts dreaming of love. A lie spoken like a wafting thought, tender through air, uncorrupted. An emotion struck right is not really a melody, for with you by my side I felt, but not emotion.

I tried everything I could. Maybe, I could be friends with your own, maybe I could let myself bleed a little more. Just too many maybes. I hungered to find a space where you could see me. Know the thoughts I think, taste the wines that I drink. Where I could tell myself, this is shared. This is sacred. But you just lost me in words. But what else could I share?

Shared, It was not to be. You had three words for me: "I am angry". "I" happened to be the fourth word. Just outside every sentence you spoke. The word you never spoke to. The word you desired to ground to dust, like those ashes you hungered to feel. Just beneath your feet. Or was it mine? Me? 

Is it heart breaking? You tell me. But I have weathered it all. And now there is very little to even crumble. I will just have to hold myself together till dawn. And I see the crimson skies.
I have failed the night. I acknowledge.



But we will always be unforgiving. Of each others deeds. Unloving when the other pleads. Or maybe its not even that anymore. The bridge is now burnt and one knows there is something wrong with the world one has constructed when he has to span distances to find his feet. 



Then there is the dirty hope. Dawn is when I wake up. As much as I know the answer, I would still want to ask. It's a little luxury that a dream offers when in an instant you know you are not bound to it's rules. Will you be by my side when I do?" 

-----------------------------------------    o   -----------------------------------------        

I put down my last letter to her. I had buried it too long, and now I see the utter meaninglessness of it all. Maybe its time to seal it once and for all. This creek. With a kiss. 

Kaia, Kaia, spring is coming. Its a secret never spoken, ever since you left. 


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

...... and then the realization struck me like a ton of bricks that - ' I have never had anything to say to anybody.' Except: To the kitchen - I'm hungry. To the bed - I'm hungry. To the machines - I'm hungry. To the path- I'm hungry. To life - I'm hungry. 
Hello there. I am so glad that people tweet. It is not easy you see. To follow is to believe that energy flows. If you want motivation and be excited and get More out of life learn to coach. It is your key to success. Build a website. Teach, learn and earn. Fit yourself in the value system. Just be there, you would be there. Be a rock star. Lead your self. Attract your self first to your own self.
Awesome autosuggestions filled up the entire vessel. There were open topics, build up libraries without an index, reproducing anything recorded from whenever. There was a pencil and paper and a sound player all in a chip in the vessel. Now most of them were classified in true or false and the false was never discarded. The autosuggestions were addictive. It was made to understand to bring on health of mind and body. It helped focusing. Motivation must have been a problem for most of the suggestions were designed to tackle the lack of it. The most important suggestions hence were played again and again. I was in hypnotic state. I was being auto suggested, my consciousness was what the commands that were controlled by the hard drive. The auto suggestions were firmly corrupted. I now needed to destroy this reinforcement. I needed a virus to destroy the entire data. I would come back again. Why not me? I can. I believe it. I accept it. I am and will be and I let go in exception to all rules.  (wait a minute,shhh, are these new auto suggestions replacing the old ones, damn!!)
To me in nature and me in wood.A thought in time and the hazy walk.Hearing a thoughtless tick.A sense that refused to sense and the spirit still still.
The eyes shut tight. The head moving in hard lines. Summers and winters and all in between the sky and earth. Noise noticed in empty rooms.
All in all, in heads the heads lie. Breathe some, sleep some, fight some, bonded some and free some. In seasons the seasons lie. Awake remain all. All think of sleep.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

...... and then one day

I watched me watching me
And it was concentrated,
I was not watching me
I  was watching a mind 
And that was what
I was calling it me,
Then a further observation
Of an I observing a me,
It then stopped, it couldn't 
Further multiply,
I was conscious of an 
Observation being observed
That was being called me.

Monday, April 23, 2012

In promise and yet the walk slept,
I thought I had room for
Plenty of it,
All kinds of things were supposed
To be experienced
In that promise, in time to come
Writing stories would happen and
Then that building would shape up
Wealth that would help
Growing up in time to come,
But the walk was made waiting.

The walk was the well,
With gallons and gallons of water,
The depth surprising the water too,
The well could hold the entire history,
and answers to all futures, and
The promise was like
A deep breath that always made us Jump a little high.

then one day.....

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Syncing Now.

To think I have to sync
I know, I know,
It sounds ridiculous,
But everyone has to do,
If one has to think.

Imagine that in a dream
How easy it is to be flexible
You can resemble anything anybody,
It is very romantic!
You can like all and yet be on
The streets
Throwing stones on all capitalists,
Taking all of them down and
Making sense of all garbage around.

But outside of a dream
I have been taught it is a reality,
Its life,
And its okay to be surprised
And call your life all screwed up,
And you have to think to
Be not to be called a paranoid.

Vedic generation taught about
Syncing too, calling it yoga,
In the 'yog' all could be poured out,
Except that it did not work in orgies,
So the sacred text of Kamasutra
Was edited and the entire chapter on it
Was omitted,
(Such egoists I tell you, they couldn't accommodate a contradiction.)

So be in a Pipe,
Think!
To think please for
Utopia's sake
Sync.
Put a value on.

I Belong.

In absolute darkness
The love of love's life
Had a conversation on
Insights of universal
Oneness

The mood was changing
From energy of laugh
And wellness
To union of humanity
In suffering
In this flow
I belonged to the
Love's life in fruitful
Purposes

I increased in my endurance
I could sustain more and more tears 
I laughed less
Got distracted by dreams of expanded heavens
I sounded as if I came into
Living on love's patterns 

In small corrections 
Corruption was working on all my
Relationships, more was being
Sparked to spread the fire
Of celibacy
The workings in natural energy flow

This was not remorse
Nor a commentary
But an ability to cull
And answer all good fortunes
To go and make out with
Other galaxies and leave
My planet alone

Being modest?
Oh yes!
In ever lasting restlessness
With a steady mind
I commit myself fundamentally
To hold the entire human race in balance for.....
For.....
Okay I am not that wise
And we can't depend to find answers from me all the time

Friday, April 20, 2012

Epistemologically speaking humans seeking human relationships should not study Particle Physics. 

Existence.

I have an idea
From an idea that I had
But it would be crazy
May be like I have
Been out of a mind
To believe that I
Could be helped,
To be appetizing 
I had to have an
Successful idea, but this one
Born from the idea I had 
That promised my hands
On pleasure and a holiday,
If I call it luck,
Yes! luck as it has to be an act
Of observation of a 
Spectacular mind that brings
A certainty of an Idea
From an Idea
Which believes in being
Well structured,
Now who can help me?
I tried but I need a joke.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Not Yet Saying.

Clock unwinding 
Rock climbing
Landscapes changing
Poetic experiencing
Words laughing
Hands talking
Asset trading
Oracle yelling
I yet standing
Water flowing
Everything changing
In rock climbing
As clock remains unwinding
Mysterious inward learning

All I Need To Know.

Unaligned truth of how
Things are, the concepts are,
In all kinds of human wisdom
Connected to a clarity
That when everything falls away,
A connection to a life is observed,
the heart and all that has been
said about it, it was always situated in the head,
(It had always been the head),
That is where all live,
The connections come alive,
Energy moves in responses,
Responses that teaches skills in 
A very mechanical way,
Through repetitive process,
Just as learning swimming is,
In currents that are flowing
Against you.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Impulsive.

I caught a ray of light
It wasn't a random happening
I was aligned in it's path
I acted and thought later
I had too, to think
To time my next action right
Once done
I acted to think about it later

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

And the unanswered questions are:
1)Why do you or do you not feel locked up?
2) Where is the above question number 1 locked up?
All Philosophers are doctors.
No doctor can be a philosopher. 
And Omar sang in me:
Drink if you don't know where you came from;
drink if you don't know where you go.

God Irrelevant.

The God grows too
To do so It has to keep
Drinking the divine
For the paradise may too die
If God returned to rest,
But it goes inside the mud
To keep itself going,
It knows of the play and the players and about all
The philosophers and the doctors too,
Waits for the suns and the nights too,
In solitude it dreams of gardens,
And keeps drinking the wine,
What have I to do with God then?
Nothing and then nothing again,
In me
There are regrets of so many
Saints and sages,
There are future worries of
Politicians yet to come,
In memory of these that were, are and will be,
I have nothing do with IT,
I can have nothing to do with IS.

Tomorrow Is Seen.

Before I could see tomorrow
The tomorrow makes the most
Of that will bee seen
The reward has been in certainty as
The harvest knows why it came
The cause was internal of life
The kiss of wet muds and gentle winds
And in my inner trust the out I
Came to know, Why should 
I call it fate then?
Fate is like moon, I have nothing to do with this empty glass,
The sun rising, the temple is 
Being washed again,
The seed has the tree and all,
I have only to learn how to
Make me productive,
So that even when I die
My ashes would produce some
Flowers distinct.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I see you to know you to like you and that is such a natural way of being. Beauty is omnipresent and has never ever required a beholder. 
Everything 'in A life' is true. The truth is dominated by peace that already exists in the throb the beat and the pulse of life.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A philosophical question staring
At life requesting illumination 
Trying to understand the presuppositions of ethics,
For there was always a movement
To integrate the pairs available
To knowledge.
As honest as my teacher
I am a recognized honest,
I move and motivate with
An action that are required 
To be finished within 
Dead lines.

They trained me through
Semesters,
In all I had eight of them,
Which took 10 for my little
Brain to get through,
Making this a trait for me to 
Not to question the
Dead Lines. 

I don't  love the dead in lines,
Yet it is the only way to make my living.
For once then there came
A cause with no options,
Love demanded wants,
Wants that had to be
Fulfilled, and create hope.

To lovers in tenses separate
In understanding of years
Spent with each other
Can know of each other
As friends for all tenses to come.

Love felt inside would always
Require two too in of you
To feel love and need love.
Where could I Go
With contradictory intentions?
To a desk with a
Clean, plain sheet of paper
With a pen to write.
Yes, writing helps discovery!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Not From The Book.

Learned man little
Thought about dust and
Sang:
I am not returning to any Dust. What dust? In fact I ain't returning anywhere.

May be some one sick sitting
By the garden or in
The forest wrote to no one particular
That being alive is to know
That one came from
Dust and would return to dust
Oneday,
It had to be someone sick
Writing that.

I would have never needed anything
From the outside if the
Inside wasn't ever created
Never got blinded by the war
And thanked havens for the food.

I think I got everything
I needed
It was now the need to make
It's Next Move,
And I hope it remembered 
That I ain't returning anywhere.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Lines.

I was here
It was the road to
A singular question
The road looked still
And held some dim light.

How could this road remain
So alone, it was the way,
It appeared so without answering,
It was empty and pointed
That there wasn't any junction
In miles that it promised,
Till I wanted to touch it,
The natural impulse was
To trust it
Walk it and never to touch it,
With no right to ask any
Further questions,
The road seemed to have eyes,
They being fixed on me 
Repeating a promise to 
Make me come to silence and a flow, a trance like state.

I had this awareness of being awake,
Why would I then trade it with the road?
I won't see far on that dim
Lit road more than a mile,
And it made sense to my
Intimacy that the
Seduction of that path was
Was very mechanical, insane,
I decided to remain flesh and blood,
Than a ghost on the road.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The you, You think is You.

Experience a truth
Then communicate about it
Invariably you would be told
It's partial
Then again you start learning
Struggling, journeying,
Probably you stop at a person,
And you call it home, that
Here is where you know
Who you are
What you are

If you were young you would
Have decades to induce thought 
Induced experiences
Which tell you about
Awareness of I am
Within the background of 
How much you labeled the
I am
It remains the ultimate question
It keeps remaining the first for you
It turns you in to a teacher,
You adopt this label on you
And you try to be still
Through thoughts of your own
And through those whom you
Label as your students/ friends
Exploring all that you aren't 
And all that not exists
In a meaningless discovery
Of who am I.

The beingness and discovering that awareness is noise too,
Noise like any other chatter,
Being attached with the background of being unattached.

No Way.

Lately in the disagreement
'It should be that way'
'It should not be'
Sarcasm gaining strength 
In every day regular life 
Of that is known
Of that has to be known.

Some years back I 
Was angry at all events
That led up to that said
'That was the best I could do'
As if I was asked to operate on some scale.

I still haven't learn how to
Process anger,
There is actually No Way,
I could (or can) never share it,
Anger had nothing to do with
Maturity or something being different, health or deterioration,
It needed (and needs) life
In every single moment of outburst,
Education in to anger does not
Help it understand, may be
What only happens is transfer of pain
And stories of pains.

Anger has been my foundation
To terminate all my silent killers.

The truth is that I need not
Explain myself how could I have
Avoided the outburst of this
Natural energy, but I would
Always let it live till it's logical life.

Monday, April 9, 2012

In moments I saw me
In my definition,
I realized when injured
That life remained ready
To be perished,
Healing was an act of
Aggression for the life force,
A window held the light 
The light was the weapon
To wake up life to surge the
Blood to flow,
There was a bed in the dark corner,
It was in a new place, in my
Home it was by the door,
My home was looking strange,
I had to crawl to the bed,
Four strokes would get me there,
But I laid there thinking,
Wanting one last story to be
Narrated,
Then I could walk and sleep.
Stone is how my legs looked
Occasionally choosing to live,
Conserving energy helped me to
Curl on that clean floor,
I knew all the tiles, but the distance this afternoon was the closest,
The voices were dying now before,
Before my will to 
Straighten the curl, then curl that would help me push,
I remembered all that I had pushed, 
Here as the palms faced up I saw spaces of clean air,
The chill of the tiles tore into my temples, this forehead had touched many a temples,
But this pain was different,
It was physical, as if all had been physical,
I was mimicking life, I was ready to getting on to tomorrow,
Out there, the shiver still kept the push going in somewhere,
The odds had dismissed the thoughts, I was digging every
Square inch, I ran out of choice,
I was left with the only option, to fight,
I stayed on to fight that one more push.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

A Vaishnava Song.

Millions and millions of years
Of seeing you my beloved
And yet
My eyes remain hungry,
Evolution too has come to a stop,
I cannot posses you my beloved
For my eyes remain hungry for you,
I cannot gain you for
I cannot grow in partiality my beloved
I have no explanation,
My eyes remain hungry for you,
I served many a banks,
Many a fields,
Many a life,
But in you I know I won't have
Any boundaries my beloved,
My eyes remain hungry for you.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

In My Own Desire.

I need externals
In these outings I will
Do what I exist for
To manifest the act and the acting
To fulfill my metaphysics
That always existed in me
Even in my complete field.
Seeking is intoxication,
Realization of activity
Balances the law,
The law grants the joy,
That It would be a loss
If one frees oneself from
The range of joy,
In bondage, in joy, in activity
To the law that governs my freedom.

The Violent Spirit.

The masquerade was melting 
It was April, the sun was
Moving at it's highest angle,
It was a water fall
Suspended and jagged 
In some kind of
Performance arts.

The gravity was thawing 
The snow, that stayed away
From all that was for some
Time now, eternal,
Silence was breaking up,
It would never touch it's 
Environment with serenity anymore,
It would be violent,
Explosive, as if some god
Would be stripping it's 
Masquerade and making
It a lover of such potentiality
That in it's violence
It would
Shape the life on this earth.

Thou Shall Not Covet but only Manipulate.

A village strange
In a valley
That came to life
Through life
But like a fairy tale,
Fairy tales talk of heroes,
Living heroes,
Almost all in this village
In that valley were, living.

The village in that valley now
Exists in history book,
It so happened that
One day the valley was visited by
Some monks. 

Move, you have to.

There are
Events/things that I get a chance at
Then there are 
Events/things that I get one more chance
Physically I try to scale
The space,
The joy I experience
And then how I get stuck on it,
Listening to mandalas that never 
Needed reality to operate, me to
Operate.

Energy running in energy
Creating, destroying, transforming energy in to energy,
This cannot be learnt just as a 
Zero can't be a concept.

I do exist, then I get one more
Chance to become a mathematician.

On AutoPilot.

A rip roaring start
Fresh, grand and a tangent
Call it a fun fact
I found a yesterday 
In an another day
Like my life
In a sun shine
Bouncing up and down
Transforming whims
To regress alignment
Of all needs with all goals
Of all life
In my life
Accidentally creating Plato
And more hardwiring that would
Make brand new
Sub-Conscious of care and intentions; now 
Don't you feel trapped,
If you feel, please don't think,
It is possible it is called
Freewill on AutoPilot.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Anger subsides to end in
Questions
Questions end up in
I am talking to myself
Talking to my self feels good
Like how it feels in winter sun
It could go other way too
The thought might end up
In nihilism or delusions resulting in
The mid-life crises that builds
Sand castles that are answers
To get out of bed,
One inquires that if there is an
After Life after indulging in
Adultery or a spiritual journey,
Our existence to our consciousness
On some level evolves
In to organism
Separate to everything around
Technically.
How did I reach where I am today
Through choices, yes,
On day to day to basis
I had to learn to respect 
Nature.
Mr. Russell is dead now.
I have known of three dimensions and in sleep it can go to 12, one more than the string theorist talk, only talk. My question is, my point that is with my female friend I am in my seventh dimension give & take one dimension and when with my own sex in nihilism. Wake me up

Lieh-Tzu

Within your nature there is no probability.
Either you can learn and teach altruism or righteousness. 
Either you can learn and teach chaos or evolution.
Either you can learn and teach.
about sources of life or the causes of death.
Things in doubt have probability.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I can listen to you only
When I stop talking to you
I can begin to see you
What inspires you and
Your day of work

I let my self go
I give my tongue to you
To get strength to listen
To you
So in vigor
I can keep the prayer
You sing
In my peace
An orphaned heart
Trying to limit itself
In contradiction
Trembles in violence
Bringing disaster
To manifest what it
Desired,
That was to search and
Give meaning to an
Infinite.

Life Extraordinary.

An open door
Almost
Like an encyclopedia
More or much but
Learning things through leaving
And not taking any subject personally

Minds can be read
The history class in school
Were 
Like my mother
Like my father
Felt like they all came in
After me
I know there won't be ever any
Takers for this
Till I get restored to my
Normal state

There are notes taken
Placed all over inside me
Nobody's home though 
But I have been living off 
The organizer who took
All the notes, all the music

Oh, god
I may have to leave
It would have been cool if I 
Would have been your mentor
And made you learn the possibility
Of endless possibilities,
Not like you who has had always
One question to ask: 'so
What's troubling you?'
And my answer to you would always be
You You You

Listening to my thoughts might
Help tune in the seeing
That I was distracted
By the existence of hope
Then came a man
Singing -
'If it wasn't for hope
Your life would have been
ExtraOrdinary, yes
Extraordinary!'

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

My Mind in My Mind.

I see
I realize the isolation
The boundaries
That a truth grows and
Cultivates in minds,
A pride with it observing all else as aliens

If an individual is defined
Hence so manifests the universe with it,
The individual can get
What it wants through will
And hard work(force),
The success of this is seen now
Yes, man has advanced and is 
Moving fast with or without a vision
This earth is a living earth

Life has a truth
The living too
And the movement of knowledge 
To take the mind towards
To live in harmony with nature,
This movement remains exclusive to a mind alone of humans and of
All other living 
Each in their 
Own capacities

But man can contemplate this, all this,
Feel separate from nature
And then invent yoga,
Water for example can only
Touch the man's mind,
Man can write poetries -
The Gayatri and hail the sun

Hence there exists an earth
And the other earth in the mind
Of the man alone,
Where out of sympathy it gives up
Eating meat too,
Thinking about the wholeness
Of the universe created by it's 
Mind.

This entire above thought too comes from
A mind, hence requires no further
Truth or any other combinations,
Let it hence
Remain one more piece of
Literature. 

TheActor.

It was a day
It came after many many days
A fortunate opportunity 
To become an artiste
To stand on a stage
And read aloud.

I had some idea
The rest was the manuscript
And then the critiques
And the block heads
Who sat there in front row
To watch me play a title.

It was a day
It had a value
To prove my nationality 
A reality through the common life
Defined as a hero's life
With a need to lose it's soul
Running away from the border
The title memoirs of a gun man.

I should have laughed
At that day
Which might become tragic
Or full of applause
So I was being born
It was that day,
A useful day with a purpose

The tickets I thought
Could remain unsold
Then I could escape the play
Of history
I felt ridiculous to have
Thought that, the producer
Had a lot invested from his pockets

Demons moved in stomach
The color of cheeks pail
I would spend this day in fasting
A miracle would help me recite
I laughed
Then the claps, the curtains were about to be raised

It was that day

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Act.

The act of insanity
Of humanity
Set me free from the search of
Saintly Sanity. 

Let's for once look at sex
And sexual preferences of humans here now,
Straight or Un-straight,
The homosexuals get to
Fill holes and their own too,
Lesbians are losers as they
Can only get toys to fill thiers,
The straights are funny
They contemplate monogamy
All their life till they die,
That is when they know what
Went wrong.
What actually went wrong with
Us?
Nothing as 'UG' says
The world cannot be different then what it is now
Or
As Rand says
I won't come to an end the world will.
Funny are the sages and saints,
They wear loose robes,
Their followers either go mad or
Turn skeptics.

Support an Idea.

All doing things, applying themselves in certain way. The approach of all start withs an anonymous fascinating question. Amazing, amazing how all are motivated to do or undo things in certain ways.
A trip, yeah! A lot to it to love.
Discover. 
Call me: 9892295406.
Turn into an honest sound bite.

Come Dive In.

If realities are all that
That stop us to move on,
Stops us from learning
The causes that make us
To do certain visible effects,
The realities then are assisted
By practicing about thoughts that are never applicable.

Hello!
Welcome to the walls
The places you can walk on here
Are there on a menu, and
You would never need an open mind,
So thanks for stopping by,
This is all that a blog can and
Should talk about---
The spare time of a busy schedule
Calling it the realities of life,
Anonymous and a little more.

In love with A full time Job.

Reflection of life can
Be shared
But life?
This a show
An ancient now though
I always needed time to listen
To meditate
All alone hence the need to share 
To speak of spiritually
And ask each
'oh, how are you today?'
Questions hanging in eyes
Hunger in throat
Making, changing, exploring
All our relations
In peace, in battles, in dreams,
Sharing the hopes of life,
But life?
There was always something in it,
As a story was always given,
Or was it all that was there,
From the stand point of life itself.

Push Me Away.

All those who came in late
(Well they came in late)
They came in ready
Looking for things
That could be called the
'My Thing' 
Printed in books
And old questions

The........
Future would be swarming with
Auto and biographies
Written to 
'Save Us'
From?
From the confusion
Of exchanges of life and
A respectful afterlife
Thought out well
In the deathbed of deads 

Those who did not come in late
Those busy ones
With great family life
True untrue
Discussed and hanging in
Living rooms
Would rock the rocking chairs
And hate all those who
Came in late

In pleasure
In trouble
Looking dirty
Hanging on in a shower 
Consciously conscious 
Thinking how long
Would I be married to
Those who did or did not come
Come in late. 

A brief journey within.

A forest found a path
A path abandoned by the valley beyond
Hope it seemed to that forest
The fear would now be quietened
In a living past

The sun would be on way
To retire
The source of the forest
Which made it tremble
And grow
Many a animals would now be
Still
But this forest had a secret
It had a path as it's guide
And long after the sun had withdrawn
It could still grow
Here

In the path within
The hour first
I knew
The law of the king did not
Operate there,
The air free,
No tracing or retracing,
Nobility could not manifest,
Yet nothing evil of father had still come.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I want it
I don't want it
The senses open to this
Energies are required to stay in the wants
Hundreds of them occur in one single day
I take all this personally
For I have knowledge of values
Of sacrifice, of participation,
And in this I come in to stay
With objects all around
Constructing, arising, occupying
All of separation of insides and outsides
From all I want
All I don't want.

Come back here to this blog again and again
The effects of it are now seen.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Oh!

The present exists in time
The time exists in thought
The thought in identification
Identification in feelings
Which wants to integrate itself
With life.
The positions before the game of
Chess begins has to be
Displayed.
The truth then?

Mostly Distracted.

The finite, how did it talk of
Infinite,
The discovery of truth fixated
On a head and objects inside
That caused misunderstanding
To the I,
Seeking to remove contradictions
Calling it's spiritual journey
In the physical finite 
Which does not ever by itself
Be aware of a here too.
What is, is not is but an object
Trying to travel to some construct
Called a non existent infinite, something or a nothing
Being empty inside
Empty outside. 
Searching? then look for a why.
Mind has to make use of the mind,
It is in activity
Till the finite is in activity.

An Understanding.

Running into one another 
A human mind deals
Only with itself,
With wit
With imagination
In restlessness
Establishing a reality 
Or a vain phantom,
Having sources 
In simplest of elements
May be sometimes in new light,
In meditation the intellect
adds and subtracts the laws of nature,
Validity hence comes from
A reasoning mind,
For metaphysics cannot be
Ignored by ignorant too.
I will be running into you
Now.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Present and otherwise.

Within which changes,
All turning,
In all that attention
A mindfulness of activity
One with life
Ripples as if a being and a me
Forming a circle and me it's hub,
This would have a touch
Just as prints of my fingers
Without with this uniqueness 
What am I?
A sound of a name, developing a thirst
A boundary to conquer,
A mela to roam,
Too fast, then slow as seconds,
Fame and being a hero,
A happy story lived in instincts calling the life the lucky life
As if I could not achieve it otherwise.
I can happen, can't I.
Line by line
Years develop to understand
How a
Story begins in
A space in mind,
A time being born there,
With it all the love,
I remember all alone
And I'm the proactive 
To keep it alive and
Smokey, never to let
Anything go, anything go,
Thinking I could,
I could
Wish I should,
I should.

Now it can't be me.

It has to be days
Sitting far far away
Making music tonight 
One of the nights when
Skies naming unchained blues
Singing all it feels
Holding me near
To a life
In days far far away unchained 

Friday, March 30, 2012

The body can de stress itself. The pain radiates out if you let it. Within limits pain and pleasure are indistinguishable.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Fabricated answers are truths that exists in front of our eyes. Visit a doctor and after consulting the doctor talk to the clerk of that doctor. Surprise surprise! Plato would be put to shame.
In the interest of science the changes that happen inside include madness too.
So help me to prove how my dependency to be typical is to be profound. A long quiet walk by the Arabian Sea I saw a whistle, a light saying that to be individual does not mean to be isolated. The monks were idiots. They went to pieces before the sunset.
So I write as often I feel to pause.

Freedom Song.

Analogies of imaginations 
Help live in mathematics and
In a choice
Capable of discovering laws
Of polygamy,
Typically an independent mind
Belonging to the 'God-Gene' 
Knows by deterministic philosophy the right and wrong
Of chemistry and physics.

Deterministically I am free
With free will
I make choices
To choose what to refer too
Within my neural receptors.

Locked up in freedom
Like a defense ploy in action.

I Believe By The End Of Belief.

Nothing near about being near
Or about being far as being far,
Only in two possibilities if I do or not 
Encounter how thought splits and
Travels.

Experiences separating and creating experiencers only
To be converted to a belief,
To a real,
Creating also a waiting room
For all those needed that subjective creation of experiencer.

Refreshing are skeptics
Those that are rigorous with datas and philosophies,
Hallucinated are mindless pragmatist who indulge in
Typically creating psychological sciences.

If you have something profound,
How would you know it to be?
If through anyone else, than you
Need a brain surgery.

In period of Time, I think.

I liked to know as
All do, the how of
Recapturing the questions
With the familiar answers
Learning along the way,
The way remained brief though.

Discoveries in science
Made me un-apologetic
To all Orders
As I knew from the flow of heat
The low and high of disorder
In an open environment.

Limitations in love
Bought about populations,
Population that helped evolution,
That evolution that challenged
The limits of love within the
Framework of time,
Atheist turning believers
And vice-versa,
In greater volumes
In all the complexities called
Thermodynamics.

In period of time
I Argue with skeptics, what If Not.

My Quantum God.

Quantum levels talk of
Right uncertainty
Within a framework
With a deterministic outcome
Like a transistor at work
Or the stock markets at work
Randomly coming up with a Statistical grand design
The point where it has to be observed has to be pinned
The ending of that movement can Be observed at philosophical levels, hence
The in-between have a million possible outcomes

The deterministic nature of quantum
Makes my free will a joke
And further realizations that
I am complex
I am physical
I am the grand design
I am the quantum
I am personal
I sound as if I am in serious trouble, but I interact as if I am
Updated in all dimensions of god.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Anonymous assertions
Silence jesting
Were they complains or
Apples and oranges
In issues of living arrangements

Talk and do better
Feel what was there
A point of view though
May be I can share
How to see
When the how goes
To a parking routine
Fresh perspective and
One way opportunities

If god helps us understand
I could be a rabbi
And make rains out of tears

Would this be true?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Cover to cover
Existentially existence is entirely in
magnificence
A sunrising
A wave playing
Creation impacting existence
Then a thought and
Then a me who for whom
Opening my eyes remains my choice
Either
To observe the grandeur of existence
Or the worm in my head.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Stretched myself
Read the outline
Purpose questioned and
The why of it to it's roots.

Apart from life living it's life
The desire to live existed too
It belonged to a choice
Born through thinking
For the desire to die existed too
No one could escape this choice
For not thinking too was choosing
The death premise.

I could not escape experiencing love
I could not escape choosing
The choice was the action in itself 
What would always follow would be
Only reactions
I could take what I wanted from
life
I had to pay for it.

The questioning was necessary
I could choose to evade
Be critical of it
Whatever the choice would be
Would build me a character.
.
If I registered darkness
I was alone
If could see the day light
I had a lot to do.

If nature could teach nature
I would always be a pattern
A pattern reveals life
Or predicts anomalies
That further formed patterns
If nature perfected nature
Would it discard it as
It would then be unique.

Shapes help name the stars too
Me too and all the rest
In mathematics I found Maya 
Interrelated in all my relationships
In golden spirals
That what I assumed
I could understand in numbers.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

What would friendship be, be
If the friend would not be my
Other self

All insights that come from doing
That comes from a friend
It always grows from the ground up

If I need contemplation
To be happy in this life
Why should I not have a friend then, for
It would be a life of utility,
Pleasure and excellent friendship.
I learnt ALL first by imitation. 
Uneasiness had stung 
Spoke to me if was I only
A chronicler 
So I came to observe
It what seemed like a
Long journey
The tiredness had not yet set in.

What ever was spent here
Is what was received here 
Perhaps the body toiled
The mind thought
As nature would like it designed,
And the space 
It now remained abandoned
By god
But a shadow that remained still. 

Should I speak my thoughts?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

And me, I have a beginning. 
For my eyes
I would only have my dreams.
Not being me is
Being more better
In love with a confused heart
The laugh stays still on lips
And there would never be a reason
for it ever
Unclear thoughts in me
And all actions of mine in mess
They yet
Never take my happiness away.
A unique vision to write
Like a question that needed no answer

Anger would build up work
Like existing did

How easy would it be
Like I looked

Imaginations flowed
As if they could want me from you

Magic fructifies as if
Caressing loving and laughing could help

The need to dictate does arise
As there would always be ownerships

If a child never imitated
It would have never needed punishments

I could talk
Talk because I could remember,
Remember

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

There is so much I could write tonight. So much flowing as words floating in a clear distinction with a life of their own. Like a foetus gaining by the second to be born. But I should let this love child die. Like an abortion will gain me life.

Let tonight remain a relic.

Monday, March 19, 2012

During the day
The imaginations ran dry
One day

The actions coupled with temper acted
Free from any agent
One day

The day explored all
That was thought
That was dreamt
A night before

From external objects
Held in explanation
A pilgrimage of sleep settled
One night

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Write me a poem
And a love story
Of a home and a line
'She hasn't come in yet'

The poem would be of me
The story of love coming back
Till I can miss her
And call her my friend
In a very new way

A poem with a view
And a love story of friends
A postcard would be fantastic
In it may be me and her

Monday, March 12, 2012

Its an interplay of properties and manipulation of energy to an effect.

Now life gets easier. Quite amazed with self.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Is learning about things that I don't know or about things I know or I think I know?
The reality has to be learnt. The real holds no contradiction but learning does.
Why do we need polls? Why do we need to vote?
Why can't we see? Just see.

De-wine.

Experience is the only instrument we have as humans. Within this instrument everything I experience is human; a product of existence.

What is present when the instrument is gone, who is to tell? Is there a way to map divine or soul onto this instrument? Unless existence is divine?

Any takers?

Per"fume"d

Quite amusing how people are sold on sweet sounding words that have no relevance or reflection in their lives as they live them.

As individuals, I am sure everyone is competent to what interests them, but as an aggregate of mutual dependence (independence is a myth, another fabricated lie to justify a meaning to life in private) only lies sold with label of truth sells.

But then that is the mating ritual. Spread the perfume, "a put on", and get into each others skins in the name of love, kick below the belt at slightest provocations calling onto fakeness of words. All this and also an illusion of clarity, honesty and uniqueness to go with it. Purrfect! What was I thinking! Or was I even thinking? Actually, was I? I? 

I learnt, I unlearnt, and now I have to unlearn the unlearning! Tch tch what a waste of time, time I could have spent lip locked gagging on spit! We need re-habilitation facilities for myth busters! It's criminal to let them loose  onto a sane world of community and social liars! Those that know that the only way to manipulate the fabric of social communities to get your way is to fabricate untruths and half-lies. These have mastered the art of social sciences. The laws of causality and social space-time continuum are mere conveniences because history is malleable. All you need is a mallet big enough, and the muscle of social strength. Easier if you happen to be on the heavier scale of barter; you know where and how the scales go tipping. Or don't you? Well here is a tip for the un-initiated, if you speak a convincing lie, speak it often enough, project your social approval as a thing to die for; then my friend, no one will care for the truth anymore. Fear and guilt of your opponents are your private friends and private jokes. If one does not subscribe to them, then of course you can walk away taking your approval with you to confer onto the more (un)deserving.

Errr ... Ok, Remind me to shuddup now! I ought to have an air of mystique, isn't it? Hell wait a min, isn't that supposed to be girlish?? But wait, what are genders really?? Hell wait wait, whatever sells!! Beauty to the eyes of the buyer (or voyeur, do you care really?)! Welcome home consumerism!

Life! I love you. Anything for you. Just name your brands now. 

So, here I am, a mysterious, good smelling, existential, vitamin powered, chamomile drenched, smoking hot, shot up(!), shallow deep, art loving, rich, agnostic, convent bred, serio-comic, tender hearted moron! Everything you were looking for!!!! Lets go for it!!

Well, well, what do you know. I am going shopping tonight. All my days hence forth will be perfumed!

Psst: Reality stinks! But breath easy, you can come closer now! Made of genuine tanned thick leather with a put on!

Snippet: I want to live in gay abandon; but since I am not gay, I am left with abandon; since I don't like abandon, I conform, again, to your world of rules.

Yeah right, let's make the meanings as we go! And when someone asks questions, we are now equipped enough to know what to do!

Friday, March 2, 2012

The knower stays on
Only for me
The loudest of voices
Nothing changing

Inseparable life force
In all states
In all emotions
In all minds
The knower stays on

Monday, February 27, 2012

Looking up into an experience
Turning in and then turning out
The time till it stays is measured, it
Can be understood
What comes and then goes
So before thought always exists
A thought
This is knowable
This I
That comes and then goes
Then comes

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Inside a path I hit a point,
A resistance, a fear,
Hesitance to watch a back,
A moment trying to build a fence,
A self
In relationship to that point,
.
.
.

A path cannot have a horizon
To be called a path a path has to be free

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

With
A search light
Through the smoke of god
I walked to find if
I had ever lived
 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Now a dream has ended. All I can recall is the high note in the end. That is all that matters.

A truth relegated to a metaphor, it was never meant to be a trail for the lost; but a signpost of affection for the "found".

This intellect is raging now, those who cannot take the heat, begone. Goodbye.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Pettiness.

All these desires are petty, all these fears are petty, all these pre occupations petty. All
The need to self express is petty, to contain is petty!

around me I see pettiness institutionalized!

There is no victim or victor. All these highs are petty. All these lows are petty. Toughest part is to know you are in a prison and telling yourself that you could be free! It's not tough, but can anyone help with a good replacement?

One can act or be a part of this pettiness. Maybe the world is perfect, but do you really deal with this perfection with all your pettiness?

Each story spawns a million stories. Sometimes one should simply dissolve.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Another Death.

For many years, I was unsure what was more painful to the animate. Death or separation. But perhaps death ought to win this game. Separation is a meaningless exile we impose on ourselves, a product of fragile egos and screwed up morality. But death is real and final.



My childhood hero was my uncle, his name started with H. I think he was a genius in his own right. He died too in front of me. 

Abdominal Aneurism. He was a brilliant engineer, but a benevolent businessman. In 80's before the economic liberalization, he left a high paying job after post-graduation from IIT, and went on to set up his own business in electronics. 

He heralded the technology of Pay phones in India. One of the most distinct images stuck in my mind is one day when he was fine tuning his pay phone to not be affected by traffic interference. He was sitting on the road, while his assistant was accelerating a Yezdi motorcycle on stand making progressively more and more noise. My uncle had the receiver to his ear, trying to figure out what kind of interference patterns are to be dealt with.

It didnt occur to him that he owned a company that was making substantial money in those days. It didnt occur to him that he was sitting in the mud, all he was possessed with was the beast in his hand that he wanted to perfect. 

He died, for months he had pain in abdomen, he continued to work late nights, drink to friends, visiting our newly constructed house to fit the lightings, perpetually joyful or angry. Nothing ticked him off more than incompetence and lies. 

Another image was on return trip from China, with pain in abdomen, to expand his business, in the airport he was returning with his suitcase, he was bent to one side to reduce the pain but recounts of memory had his face was beaming and happy. He won the presidential gold medal for being a brilliant small entrepreneur. Yet it was the same government that brought him down eventually, under meaningless pretexts. Jealous people who had wanted to bring him down, did their bit to bring him down. 

He shunned religion, but was kind enough to go through the motions when he should without making fuss. On his death bed, in the hospital, after 5 days of wait for him to come back out, he briefly regained consciousness. 

Some of his last words recounted by family were like out of a novel, "All my life i trusted the strength of me being a human, now I am felled by the strength of fate".

He died in front of me. There was a wave in my body, not his. All I remember of that moment was a numbness, a disbelief. I could never go close to him when he was alive for the respect I had for him, in death, it was the same, for I kept telling me, this radiant face, will wake up and smile any moment and I will feel embarrassed at my disrespect of going too close to hug him. I was 14 then.

His funeral was attended, by over 100 people, everyone who had benefitted from his generosity. For years after he left he was present in his absence in our lives.  

Upon his death we discovered his diary, it had only 2 pages filled. It was titled, "Successful cheaters of Hanumantha Rao"; It had a list of people and money he was defrauded for. 

That is how we bring down our heros; with governmental aid, and individual greed. 

Last week, my aunt, his wife suffered burns on her body. 40% of her. She accidentally put her saree on fire while finishing her Sankranti puja. Gruesome. Meaningless. Unnecessary. 

The doctors talked of recovery, like they had about my uncle when he was to go. And then she died yesterday. Suffering hell like my hero did. 

It had to end this way, this era, in pain. It had to be them, the two most rational, guileless and loving entities in our families. 



I am perplexed that I am here typing this on my blog even as my aunt, my motherlike, makes her way to the graveyard. To be burnt. Charred. All traces removed except a bunch of photographs and hearsay. 


She must have finished the first lap by now.


Yet this is the filth I live in. Born in a country I cannot own. Living in a country I don't own, forced into cultures that I cannot live by. As my people pay their homages, waiting outside morturies to recover dead bodies. 


Day after day, not sure of what it means to be living as we do. Millions of tales, stories, human signatures vanish the world around. It is right too. On the large scale, nothing matters and all stories are make believe. 


But in my memory, I will carry the tale, of two lovers in history, who met in youth; shared a dream; struggled through life. Achieved all they desired. And let pain trail by in their deaths. 


And left behind a photograph of youth and its smiling face. On a final note, that is all that mattered - not even their manifested desires.


This is not meant to be a tribute. Tributes are just as meaningless and half stories that undermine the human in his true potential. Attayya, this is just to say, I love you. 


You will me missed through this separation by death. 


Love you. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A trail of footsteps. I followed the terrain, thick and accented across the moor. Sands without storms helm the memories gently, like a bright shade of inhabitation. Earthen clay holding dew drops carved in foot. I know the trail among the footsteps, they meandered first, to move on steady. And then galloped through the marshes. I followed it back and forth, a journey through history guessing a future, walking the present. And then the unexpected happened. Through the steps now lonely, they seemed to move gently. Unwilling to scar the earth so loving. In love they lifted, another veil of the naked mirth. And then they vanished. And I lost my purpose.

Until I saw my feet flying. I had travelled her trail of love. And now thy skies are mine too.

Thank you!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Understanding

Obviously, my understanding of you is crippled by your understanding of me; if we assume and agree that there is indeed something of an understanding in operation in me. But really, let it be understood that there is nothing to understand as long as we understand that we just ought to be us which is as much to understand that me is me and you are you. All we really need to understand is that nothing good comes out of understanding anything outside this understanding.

And I understand you are a woman. And I am a man. Full on, today. Let's meet at 8.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Ch 3 : A truth Foreseen.

The Mind was bending.

Slowly but surely. Or so I thought. I could feel it change its course many times a minute. Always eager to add weight onto itself, a cargo that had credence to back its weight. And somewhere beneath the vast stretches of its imagination, it was losing ground. Or perhaps I should say forging ground of an alien landscape.

When I look back into the past, I see a glorious nothing. Everything feels different. Obviously I must have lost some insecurities but it is a fact that I have gained some too. But everything gained was again too subtle for anyone to point a finger at. It was like I was towering into a world of insecurities, insecure, but who could tell? Maybe some could, but they had too little information to back their claims for I kept my life a daft secret. A closely guarded set of lies that banked on the the weakness of my opponents, if I had any, but which I suspect I did, than my own strength.

It was not a reputation I desired, but a fortress I needed. It is not easy being a man in this world, worse of the world. But one could desire the joy of anonymity, standing on the edge of the being. By the force of the personality one projects. People buy it, this strength of the mute noise.

I had developed it shortly after Kaia left. Actually she never left, but it was I who thought I was forsaken. A mere burden dropped in search of light and lightness. But do such things exist? Yes, they do, but how many would know?

For years, I knew where she was. I knew when she cried, I knew when she laughed. I even knew when she cramped. It was like the air carried a myseterious memory as it wafted across the familiar landscapes. Or perhaps I was busy imagining things while I was not living. This is the quality of forsakenness I suppose. Your senses become sharper every time you draw the curtain and there is no light entering and you have nothing you can call as certain. Except the breathing body scavenging on the mysteries of the air.

The mind was bending. But you even question that, and dismiss it as an idle mind unwilling to be certain. For where is the mind really? Have you seen mine? I have certainly not seen yours. But there is something in you that I can draw my breath from and love like an obsession. Like a slow flame lingering on the periphery of an open furnace, drawing you closer with the promise of making you malleable, beautiful. But when the cast is made, you look around. Its a wonder and astonishment that you look just the same. Only more flawed. Or perhaps only aware of your flaws. And that becomes the beginning of your currency of exchange. Or does it? I am no longer sure now. I can see now flaws at all. Maybe because I cannot see the bench mark for perfection.

A few years later I heard of her. That she was now a hooker. Screwing for money. Oddly, I was told she had no fixed price. She would let the man be the man and pay for what he thought he got. Many would snigger that she was the one to go when a man had little money. But invariably, they would go back when they had abundance. For some reason, what everyone got from her was far more than what they could return in any case. I am sure she would maintain that she gave nothing to anyone. For there was nothing to give or even for that matter take.

I had loads of money, but it was never sufficient; for my weak judgement, how can I have enough money to pay what I would get? Besides, I wouldn't really know what to do if I took her to the bed or if she would talk to me if I didn't. Her body as I remembered was as frail as beautiful. One could not even read her eyes, for they had nothing in them to read. Her smile was rare, but was gentle when it came. Symbolic of a recognition of ones flaws. It was hard to describe. It would make a different story every time it came on the same face. But mostly, it was a friendly jab to having caught the thief one is capable of becoming. Thief who took nothing but desired everything.

She had once let me kiss her. A long time ago. I could feel an outpouring of affection, and the kiss was gentle. I can't remember if we made love that night, but the kiss lingered. A taste one could not forget for its overpowering sense of euphoria.

In any case, I never went to her. But had collected all the memorabilia of her trysts with random men. There was a lot to collect, because men always had something of her with them to share. I was not jealous beyond a point, I was not worried beyond a point. But I would cry. And that was the crack that I had to save and hide. It was precious, as much as her and private. Appearances are just what they should be, we almost always make the deception in our own minds.

Over time I had taken many lovers. Taken must be the word, because nothing was really given. Just an illusion. Lovers, that I gave the luxury of saying goodbyes. Often on flimsy grounds, but it was a luxury given anyhow. As assumption on which everything rested while the taking lasted and the returning was to begin yet.

Once in a while they would drop by, in guarded suspicion. To check on me, and see if the cracks were still open. It was a confirmation of their own charms, it was an unwritten agreement drafted in some recess of memory that is not to be acknowledged, just exchanged in silence. I was never to be in doubt of who was meant to be the superior. Yes, I never was, but it didn't weigh too much on my being for that wafted away lightly. A feather could take only a certain weight by itself and not crumble, but left to itself, it could perhaps travel the world. Not that it was self willed, but a recognition that traveling the world is really over rated. All one needs is the wind to catch on. And sometimes fan the flames as a gentle mercy.

It was all known. It was all true. This world I saw and dreamt of seeing. Today was a truth foreseen. But I don't know what made it worthwhile, the wait, the cracks, the bending mind or the possibility of seeing her again.

My Kaia.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Teesri maale pe.

Chad gaye hum teesre maale pe,
Ab iss darwaaze se bas seediyan utarti hai,
Inn diwaro me ab kya nahi milta humko,
Bas puchne ki deri hai, aur pal bhar ka abhaas

Yaha Khidkiyon ke bahar sab dundhla dikhta hai,
Kabhi jhaankh lete hai chai peete peete,
Adark ya nimbu,
Ek namkeen muskurahat chak lete hai

Kabhi nishano se yaad aata hai,
Ki waha Zakhm hua karte the,
Aur hum kal ko bula lete hai,
Kuch parchiyo pe chipki milti hai

Kabhi dastak sunte hai darwaazo pe,
Koi Ajnabi hai shaayad,
Naajane kyon chala aata hai
Naajane kyon laut ke chala jaata hai

Ek ehasaas yahi kahi ruki hai shaayad,
Aur aaj bhi waqt rukta nahi,
Ungliyo ke nishaano mein pehchaan meri,
Aur ye kuch unkahe alfaaz

Chad gaye hai hum teesre maale pe,
Ab Iss darwaaze se bas seediyan utarti hai ..

Saturday, January 7, 2012

.
Remember, yes always, what it is to be together, I promised, a song sang nice, all night long all the fights, it started and it finished, what remained was that you held my hand, remember, I do always, the shiver and the blanket yours, a change of rain, a car that never knew where it wanted to go, remember?, I do.
Dancing in the sands, remember.
I know now
What Is
A surprise
A nothing more
A renunciation
A window
A why you came
A why I am so
A mind that says it's alive
A truly mine
A face
A place
A heart
A tomorrow
A try
A sorrow
A space
A to know why
A ray
A play
A brother
A care
A you 
A me
A living
A always.
A bar so local
A smile so up high
A tear so lost
It hurts
To stop by
A bar so local.
All the feelings
All the years
All the while
Through the night
The very first time
All the feelings making up.
Making it up
Making skies
For the flights
For the love
Something better
Say 
A laugh
Making it up.
All said and done
The trip was about hiding the pain
Long way till I know
there is no way home
Walking in to the miles
All said and done.