The Word.

The question is not if I can experience the reality of anything, a lot has been said about it. Theories change and so does God. All theories and all God offer guides and order.

The question is what would be the right action with whatever reality that we find our self in? The problem here is that there are no guides here.

 I find millions of words in thousands of books in my local book store trying to make sense to me how I have deceived myself and that I have to see myself through my self-deception.
So many words to tell me, how neurotic I am.

Why was I standing outside my classroom? Was I creating disorder in my class.
In the last few years  of my school  when I went quiet, not a single minute was spent by me outside the classroom, may be the teachers never knew of my existence in class too. May be I stopped questioning the reality.
I was caught in moral discipline which I could not reject. I became a co-operator.My relationship with my teachers never changed, only that I was lost in the class.  And I could operate easily in this neuroticism.

What I see now was very disturbing for me then. This is/was my consciousness. This was how I was made from millions of years, exactly the same way. The words were and are never real but only fixed for the word was never the thing.