No rest in here
mostly
torn apart
look everywhere
under all shades
and shadows

every breath is your name
heat in me is you
and yet
and yet
no rest in here
in a heart whose
nights and days were drowned in your name

these eyes and how
mostly torn apart
still with your name
sing about how when nothing
existed before you

I burning in your name
looked everywhere
under all shades
and shadows
still searching
wanting a worship granted by you

My voice deserted me long back
singing your name
have I paid a price enough
or I could still for you my spring
oh my beloved face
draw the remaining winds of my lungs

All illness carries a story
about how
more than the physical pain
the heart hurts most

if you put a bullet in me
would you suffer

you don't mind it
when you get used to it
that
it being anything

being quite is good for me
and why I  need a
mirror always
to look at my own back

half dreaming half awake
the eyes look lonely in
the mirror
a stare which I can't stand

No you and I in this walk
or by the oceans
or by the sunsets

I wish it was about you
I wish it was about the suns
and moons

No taking me hand in hand
No rolling in the grass
No world in our feet
No people going or coming
And no you and I

Hand me the you and I see
you oh my firefly
In the open air
In the dark night
You light up my sight
Hard to say if
I'm awake or in some dream

Can't keep me out of my head

Can't keep me out of my head
I know
I know
She grows and grows

Can't keep me out of my head
Can't keep me out of my head

A shy me takes me to a
drive
cheers me up
I know
I know
all the things that she likes

Can't keep me out of my head
Can't keep me out of my head

Every day now I play
a game with me
I know
I know
she would be build me all over again

Can't keep me out of my head
Can't keep me out of my head

Sing me the reds and blues
See me go round and round
I know
I know
She's been thinking of the moon
and back

Can't keep me out of my head
Can't keep me out of my head

Can't keep me out of my head
I know
I know
She's my fantasy and I feel them here
in my song

na na na na na an ana ana an a .................................

Narrow lanes and dark corners
the eyes now stretched far into a
world

Saturn, you have to fight him,
I was told, but here
I was killed by my lover
she being mightier than all
saturns

I recalled a strain,
a wave which came and
threatened
then touched and curled

Life rises in life
the centuries knows this as
time sings the songs of death,
let it sing to it's heart content,
I a child of love, sleeps
more in dreams than this
eternal scheme

A strip tease and
she knew the moves
she
stripped off her attributes
she a river of knowledge though
concealed
stood stark naked now

The tired me
took a step in her and
the last wall of love dropped off
nothing there, not even unity

Intimate whispers of knowledge
exchanged the mysteries of creation and
now a
reflecting mirror
this river that kept on flowing

Just Once

How much more of there
is of you
I have lost all my world
it that was so called

The breath comes out light
My god knows
how I enter you
tonight

Divine claws and loving eyes
is where my knowledge rests
for all my life

A Faith In Question

The traveller was asked of faith
A lover in journey knew only of
pain

The answer came in slow of
how now
Life in a stone
was always seen

I have not known me about
My mortal me; only
My love is my own
Which will always be
immortal in me

Words

True mockery of the word is in a response that is spoken in silence.

No freedom here
Movements between ones and zeroes
Every millisecond of my time

Actions matter
Not reactions
Reactions can never
help me
When alone

Life has a charm of it's own
YET
It has to be lived in
a Yes or a No

A spoken word,

the halting reproach

trained, yours,

a vault in siege,

and buried secrets,

tainted, mine,

eyes un-wet,

and the nights we met

a burden forgotten,

now to my day of toil

a twig in flight,

and the earthly bound,

one to the space,

one to the sound

I weigh in soil,

and fire to flames,

an explosion, lovelorn,

in my burial ground.

Seek
Express
Only in that order

Conflicts in seeking results
Difficulties in expressing

What I want
Is where my thought begins
This is where my expansion happens
This I can move through limitless
then

I want to know
And in everyway of a just born

Being

Happiness as it is
Experienced by me
In moments
That came and went

Sparks of brilliance
Insights in to me
About a an enormous joy
present in
In moments that came and went

Isn't it time enough now
For me
To look in to these
The source and the many many things
Of stimulus
From inside or outside

The knowledge always came from outside
But it needed me to exist in me
This is how and when my body was born
This is how the content in my mind
came about

This knowledge is what limits the moments of
Joy in me
It requires time to gather
And hence it can be lost too in time

Let me now with
This automatic process of thinking
Keep moving
Till it slows down on it's own
Naturally
Peacefully

A figure in two dimensions
Talking of a beyond
Manufacturing a great build up
Of things known

I see a life
That I am ready to live for
I hear me talk of what I see
Asking questions from answers
that are given
Burning the build up
Of
The before(s)
And the beyond(s)

The Way Of Existence

Me in nature is me
Not in idea but only
Within my five senses
Not in any unconscious state
All in my conscious state

My life begins at all points
This me is all in my experiences
That is the origin of my life
That me in nature is me

Not in ideas
Not through inwards
Or through outsides
Of knowledge
These life energies
Throb in nature
That me in nature is me.

Freedom

Yes freedom

I laughed

When I heard
The world cheering freedom

That was something to be
And I promised I would be

In my heaven
In me
Outside of me

Yes
Free

From boundaries
And Flags
And the grounds before

I would one day
BE Free

free
From me

IQ

IQ should really read as "interest quotient".

How beautiful
How beautiful is her heart

I a common thief
And hers a pretty face

My kingdom seems everywhere
It's on her
To tell me where she wants

I get up and pray
I know now
I would die pure

Think hard
For the heart is ablaze
A thin line exists between
Passion and masochism

"Endlessly in the burning sun the lovers walked
They saw all
The past the present and the future
Everything they ever wanted was laid out for them"

Think hard
Open up your heart
And tell me all about you

If a why hid between thousands of why, my nights would light up.

The fingers pointed at the earth below
The earth split in two parts
I outsmarted my emotions again

Silence me
Take necessary measures

For the flower blooms
And the wind blows

Tell me what in ME
Would come to an end in ME.

Stopping thoughts
Is like building futile dams
On a raging river

An uninhibited energy
I call it life
A raging river
The process called thinking

Round and Round and Round
In a circle
I could never harm anyone

Round and Round and Round
In a circle
I could never make anyone happy

Round and Round and Round
In a circle
I could never exhibit compassion

Round and Round and Round
In a circle
I could never understand opposites

Round and Round and Round
In a circle
I could never harm anyone

That would be the only compassion
No compassion

If time is basic
For you
How come you wasted
SO MUCH
in wasted canned thoughts

One two three four
As I sat one day counting
The voices in my head

The people real
With minds real

From the time I say was born
I had this something to be

So it was up to me
As I sat counting
Who was the hero

I was a fool
I was a superstar
In love with me

Now I carry on
Carry on
And on and on
Me a only me

Yes
That was all there to these voices
My hands
My thoughts
My stone
And my passion
To carry on
Carry on

I met you again today
Have you succeeded
In solving all your problems

I lost you again
In a reality
That was never your reality

If you walk
And then talk of your
walk
I say you have arrived

'You  would die soon'

And I would laugh
I never belonged to
Time sands

Gods have plans
Gods turn the times
But I would decide
When I would breathe
And when I wouldn't

I pressed my luck
And I laughed
As she shouted
'You would die soon'

In the cold dark winters of my life
I came to a point
Where my abilities generated
Enough light and heat by me
It was not through courage
That I reached
What I was left with...................... now is
Courage.

No reply
Yet again

Memories don't move
A small mistake

A temple floats
And the beads slip

A dream
Over and over

I came alone
And I could be anywhere

IS

his dreams so close to him
yet
yet he is a stranger to them
what if
what if his dreams
fly away

a little room in your silentwine
and can I ask
and when sadness is all over me
and is that heaven
without you
nothing makes sense
even this
this your silentwine

................unfinished memories last longer than finished ones..............
..........................i know of souls that go when these unfinished memories go..................

The universe is certainly invisible till I start experiencing tears in my eyes that refuse to stop.

Snapshots Of Existence

Tell me
What is there to be known
And
I will tell you
All that is known

There is flesh on MY body
That is not
Required by THE body.

Waiting

The insides left alone to insides
Before I knew it was walking besides me
I look back and see it there
A story of my love
My belief that it ends here
And yet I wait for it
With flowers in my hand
There is nothing we can do for us

yes my love
the insides left alone to insides

The Sorrow Of Ignorance.

Shivani

I may have been small but I knew that night when he said everything will be alright, nothing will happen; it was a lie, a lie coming from the corner of his eye.
Years later I knew all about men, almost all and never a lie that could go undetected by me. But it was my first love that haunted me the most and hurt me the most.

Lies - what are they to us, why do they hurt us?

It was different for girls, in my house or anyone that I knew. Protected all the time and taken where the grandparents and parents wanted to. There were places where I wanted to go. My dreams were growing each day. At first whenever I asked them they would tell me something or other which I thought would be the truth. Somewhere the restlessness in me provoked me to think about their stories and I knew in an instant all I was told was a lie.
What did I want, what did I dream off?
Just a boat ride across the river, I was told there was a deep forest there and some old empty houses, I had dreams of visiting them.

Dreams, I knew what it was to feel happy because of them, I knew what was joy because of them, I understood what mornings were made of because of them, Dreams.

I slept under  sky lit stars; me with a friend Shreya and we watched the stars, fireflies, crickets and barren trees. The terrace was all mine just like my dreams and Shreya would love to spend the nights with me.
We had stories to tell to each other and then see where would our dreams carried them till morning. Then while we walked to the school we would continue from where we had left them. We both knew about a prince, a prince that would carry us all around the earth. Once as the moon made every corner of my terrace holy, I felt an urge in me and asked Shreya how much would it cost us if we ran away from here, took the local bus and the train to where ever we wanted and come back only when we had finished all the money. She looked deep in to that sky that hid all the stars that night and said as much as the stars that I could see and not see.

Fireflies, they taught us how to stand still. We bought jars and collected them each night. The taught us to stand still, the still we were, the more they were around us. Such a joy holding one in the palm and such a joy to hold a dream as the eyes opened slowly in the dawn.

My class housed some sixty-five of us and in front of me sat Nitya. For reasons not known to me I used to see him sometimes in my dreams in that deep forest. I use to smile at him and at other times laugh only to shy him away. He used to call me crazy and it sent me to seventh heaven.

My thirteenth year was lucky for baba, he said that himself, and today there were so many people in the house celebrating baba becoming the sarpanch of the village. I felt like a princess and then I saw Nitya entering with his family, he saw me and turned away his eyes, I knew then he was my prince who would take me to my deep forests. I called Shreya and whispered tonight, she chuckled and this made Nitya go red in face.
I wrote a note about my dream and forest and how would I travel tonight with Nitya and asked Shreya to pass it on to him. She made him come to the corner of the veranda and gave him the note, the note was like a cobra bite to him, and he looked poisoned blue, poor boy.

Boys are weak, men weaker, this I came to know later in my life.

Stolen glances are never exchanged by friends, I was naive then but there was Shreya and Nitya exchanging those glances, I thought he was scared and Shreya amused and I was thrilled to have my dream fulfilled.
It was quiet and the night dark, a moonless dark night. There was a silly wind, very difficult to keep track off. The whole village was drunk, asleep, some by my baba's celebration liquor, some by this wind.
Shreya made him come, I was thrilled and now I had this desire to go alone with him. It was complicated and I could not get the hang of this crude feeling of asking Shreya to leave me and Nitya alone. Partly also because seeing them holding hands and running to me. Anyways I was in the middle of an amazing freedom, freedom from the land of people to the land of flowers, trees and nature. My dream was now happening and the nature would now be looking at me.

The center and the circumference was today's topic that  my maths teacher hinted at and then my physics teacher later lectured about poles and magnetism. Both of these made sense to me whenever I looked at Nitya. Interesting, yes school was becoming more interesting.
----------------

Shreya

What I saw, touched and smelled would be the reality thought Shreya one night, the only reality, how could there be any other reality other to what I could not touch and see or smell. Even fear came to me after I had touched or saw. I am affected too by these senses I thought loud.
Shivani was quiet tonight may be not even listening to my thoughts.She used to talk to me about her mother. Questions were burning deep inside her mother as much they were in her.
I could not understand them, I only use to think about my pain of missing my father, who never came back from the war. My mother still used to wait for letters. she use to say someone has to tend the pain, it keeps the warmth in the sleep intact.
I had no idea when I saw Nitya or he saw me. I still remember me sitting besides the river soaking my legs in the cool water. It was hot that afternoon, may be temperatures about 40 degrees centigrade, not a soul for a mile each way. There was a cool wave flowing inside my body and I felt very quiet and comfortable. Shivani was very talkative and chirpy and I loved that, but today this solitude meant a lot to me.
Plop, a stone dropped in front of me, I was jolted as if I was in some deep sleep, I turned around and saw no one, I thought it was Shivani playing pranks with me. I thought I wouldn't pay attention and she would come out on her own.
I closed my eyes and went back to my journey. Then there was music or what seemed music to my ears, a hello so soft that would have melted me. I opened my eyes to see Nitya, he said he was tired and wanted to sit and was looking for some shade by the river to cool off when he saw me. At first he said he thought I was in some trance or had a heat stroke, so he decided to throw a stone. He asked if he could sit besides me for sometime and promised that he wouldn't speak until spoken too. I smiled back and then suddenly burst out crying. Poor Nitya he sat the whole afternoon holding my head on his shoulder, quietly, very quietly.
You are a daughter of a brave soldier Shivani's baba would tell me proudly 'and I remember him to be very ingenious in school days, you have gone on him, I see you and I see him.'
I use to stand there motionless the minute Shivan's baba sang this song in front of me, first couple of times it bought tears in my eyes, but now the words weren't even registering, I just waited him to finish and hand me a ten rupee note and say go buy some eclairs. I never bought them and I had now 23 of these ten rupee notes. I also hated death and killing and wasn't sure why dada went to fight or why he became a soldier. I wasn't like him at all. Sometimes I hated him too when I use to see my mother searching drawers late at night.
I wasn't sure if Nitya would agree to come with us to forests that night, he held my hands and they were burning, I laughed and he jerked my hand loose, I held them again and shouted run.
There was Shivani waiting for us, looking pensive now, the color of her skin gone pale.
-------------------------

Nitya

I really hated the mornings, amma would be shouting her lungs out to wake me up. I knew like most days I had unfinished homework in my school bag. Amma was a very simple woman and me telling her anything was truth. I hated this though, I wanted her to suspect me once but she wasn't even pretending to be fooled. Baba and I never spent any time together, we use to sleep by the time he came home. Shreya always slept when I spoke about me, today too, her head as always on my shoulder and me happy to sit still.
I liked Shreya for completing my homework always or the silence I came in to with her.
Like her I missed my father too and my father was just a room away from me. Baba looked very energetic and amma would tell me his stories of success in far lands. He use to visit new lands and be away from us for days together, what she could never answer was why was he working hard.

I hated working hard for anything, if I could learn something then it should be easy for me and not hard.

My amma use to laugh and say 'please never say this in front of your Baba that you will never work hard' and I use to explain why I wouldn't work hard and she would tap my head and ask me to shut up. I never wanted to work hard, I felt sick in my stomach, I would have rather found an easy way to do things or not do at all. 

'Nitya'; 'yes,present',  my calling would trigger so much anger in Mrs. Mathur, our maths teacher, surprised me, only me in class. I had been absent on and off and now was being taken to the Principal's office. My amma had a lot of explaining to do to my principal, and there in that dark dingy room with just a small table fan I was going crazy and angry. I knew when baba came back this time from his visit I would be smacked blue.
I could never stand the giggles of Shivani, but she was my only way out of being beaten blue and black. My baba used spend a lot of time smoking with her father and playing chess, so if she could somehow get me off hook. I was scared of baba and more scared of her, she was a creep. I wish I could run away, just go away to some place where I would never be found. I hated everybody, ok, except Shreya .

'One charminar'; babu stretched his hand to the top corner of cigarette stack and removed one, looking at me at all the time, I couldn't hold his stare and whispered to David, 'sure no one would come by?'
 'No, come'.
 David knew all about cigarettes, he had seen his father smoking and learnt it all by himself. Today he was going to teach me. 'Slowly, just as you breathe, very slowly and as normally','aise' and I inhaled only to drop down coughing. I guess even this seemed hard. I tried again, this time ever so slowly and it remained in my mouth, burning my tongue and throat. I wondered why would baba smoke this all day long. That night was horrible, I spent the night with my hands tied to the leg of my bed, I had hugged amma when I returned home from my cigarette exercise. She threw me aside and started cursing me, out came the cane and the wild swings of it right across my back. She felt guilty of not taking care of me in baba's absence and how would she face him when he came back home. How did she come to know about my smoking, all of my thirteen asked all that night to me; how old could I be as she repeated that I was old and such a good for nothing.

What had my age to do with me being good for nothing?

David was strange, strange to me then, I never knew I would be carrying this scar with me too. He wanted to count my ribs and see the smoke going down my chest. I was skinny and had been ashamed of my structure. That day in the old stone temple where we sat and smoked, he slowly removed my shirt and moved his fingers on my ribs.
I must have died that night, I could hear baba laughing and calling out my name, slowly I opened my eyes, only to feel my hands swollen, still tied to the bed, my bach aching.
'Nitya, Nitya' amma called, she had forgotten all about me being tied up. I struggled my wrists of the ropes which had loosened up a bit. I heard baba laughing away and calling out my name. 'Nitya, get ready soon, we have to go to Shymalal's house, he is our new sarpanch', was this good news, no , for me it was bad news, it meant Shivani would now act more tough with me. We reached there and here she was looking straight at me. I have had a terrible night, what more could get worse for me. There she was, Shreya, and she walking straight towards me, she pulled out  my hand and placed a note in my hand. What more worse could happen is the question I had asked sometime back, but this note drained my blood, I felt the ground trembling. I whispered 'tonight?'.
Later in the evening I met David and showed him the note, he smiled and said he would take care of everything.

-----------------------------

David

'Do that again and you are dead'. One more kick in my stomach.
I lowered my eyes, one to seven was unfair, the floor below my eyes had my blood and my cheeks soaked whatever my lips and nose leaked  but I felt no pain after the first few minutes, no pain.

PAIN - what if the hunger in you died - would the pain still stay.

Undisputed all the super heroes on my wall fought. One to fifty and more. I would one day do that. I would take on fifty and jump and kick, one day.
David would rule just as these ruled, I shouted loud in my room.
What stood between me and my dream was - PAIN.

I was always on the run, from school to house to other hide outs of mine. Father was a police constable and knew almost all. His commitment to his work was recognized by everyone. He was also my ideal in some way and somehow I knew because of his thoughts that pain never went all the way, somewhere it stopped. I felt free to cry and shout and then it wasn't there.
I could think myself out and father really liked my abilities, always pushing me and inspiring me. His talk of spirit and god was always most interesting. I used to sit and listen to him for hours together. His smoke filling my heart and my spirits too. Saturdays was special, he used to finish one full bottle of whisky, almost full, he knew it too, I had sneaked a few sips of it. He had ears in me and that would be a high for him.